Actually I have been thinking for a while to write this. But so many things happen and I keep delaying it, again and again.. until recently, I feel the need to explain, to certain people.. and to myself, especially.
I'm sorry for causing so many ... 'questions', so many 'guesses', 'assumptions'.. 'gossipss'...ect, ect. It wasn't really people's fault if they talk about us. I must admit I'm very paranoid if I found out people were talking about me- behind my back. Too scared if they say wrong things about me and I'm not there to explain.
I don't like being the topic of people's conversation especially if it's not involving something good. I'd rather be unknown, uninteresting that nobody wants to talk about me. (That's why xmau jadi artis..ha3)
But....it's all my fault, really. I'm too secretive. too careful with my secrets, that people can't help but to keep wondering and asking.
"Faiqah bercinta dengan sapa skang ni??" ----ala2 ayat lia..haha
I wish I could tell. I really wish.
But the truth is, I can't really tell.
Because honestly, I'm not with anyone right now.
A while ago.. unconsciously.. I set my own definition of 'in a relationship' status.
I don't want to say that "I'm in a relationship with bla bla" unless that person:
Officially meet my family
and brave enough to tell them that he loves me and wants to marry me.
Once he did that.. its all set!
I'm in a relationship with "Mr. Brave-enough-to-meet-my-family-and-tell-them-he-likes-me", yippee~
but.. until then.. I'd rather consider myself as "single and available" and I can fall in love with anyone I want! 'Cause... no man obviously have rights on me yet.
Yes, still I can't deny that I have someone in my mind at the moment.
but honestly, until he become "Mr. Brave bla bla.." I don't want to openly say I'm with him.
I've seen so many love stories around me. Real ones. the guy dah admit, dh propose.. dh jumpa family, but at the end, they don't ended up together. And those who go through all kind of things... but still at the end, they got married and live happily. And those who got married and lived happily,, until the husband fall in love with someone else and runs with new wife.. ishk2.. macam2.
That's why.... with all the lessons from people around me... I feel it's extremely important to guide my heart. To never let it fall too hard on a man. I used to fall in love with this person so much that I didn't see any other man who would be my husband. I wanted him and only him! but it turns out after a while, i can still fall for another guy. So.. my point is.. never be too sure that: she's my wife! he's my husband! until that special moment aka akad nikah comes.
"Allah yg mewujudkan rasa cinta antara dua insan. dan bila-bila masa sahaja Dia boleh menarik kembali rasa cinta antara dua insan itu."
It's not impossible. I tell you.
Memula mmg ingat dah cinta mati la dengan dia ni.
lepas tu, boleh jer suka kt org lain pulak.
so, don't worry too much Faiqah, if he's not the one.
you can still find someone else to fall in love with, insya Allah.
I'm not with anyone.
Even if I do like someone, and he might like me too;
I won't say I'm his.. until he acts like a real gentleman
like seorang yg beragama, seorg yg tau hukum hakam
someone who respects me, respects my family
serious and knows what he wants in life.
but if you can't do that
though I love you with all my heart
and if there's someone else who can do that
I will accept that person.
not much of a problem for me. Insya Allah.
If he's the one that Allah has choose for me.
So, I can confidently say; right now, I love him. my future husband.
wherever he is at the moment, kt UK ke, kt Mlysia ke, kt syurga ke.
At this age,
It's really not a time utk couple-couple.. main-main
ngorat sana, ngorat sini tanpa tujuan yang jelas.
no time for that! okayyy
(Plus.. da la skang time2 kna wat dissy.. adeh..)
Lastly, again. I'm sorry. I can't help sometimes. I get excited, I can't hide my feelings, I'm in love and people can see how happy I am. I want to tell people, I want to share it with you, but I can't. I'm too scared of how it turns out to be. And everyone knowing my story would make it even worse for me. I'm not strong enough. :(
In fact, I kinda have a bit of a regrets for telling people about him, though it's just among a few people. I don't want to hope so much for something so vague.
akhir kata,doakan. ;)
please, Mr __ .